Surprise!

What I Thought…

My four grandparents died between the ages of 53 and 77. My longest-living grandmother died at age 77, and she seemed old from my 27-year-old perspective. Now in my early seventies, my thoughts are evolving concerning who is old. My mother just recently died at 94 and my father lives on, just turning 96, so the sudden death of a friend last week is a total shock. How could, Sue, a healthy 70 year old just up and die? Jesus continually reminds us that “we know not the day or the hour” but phooey, the sudden death of a 70 year old going on 18 is an abomination. Even though I know death is happening every day, especially during this pandemic, I still find myself surprised and deeply sadden. How is it that I can be SURPRISED, even shocked by a friend’s death?

Somehow Accepting What I Can’t Accept…

I have been wondering about surprise starting as far back as 1968 with the sudden death of my friend, Marcia. This unexpected event changed my life. I did move on but with the feeling deep down that I could never accept what happened. No one expects an 18 year old to suddenly disappear, but Marcia did. Four years later, a college friend “disappeared” in a freak car accident as well, a month before her wedding day. Another shocking surprise! Through my adult life, more and more people are dying unexpectedly: former classmates, victims of war and 9/11, the young men and women fighting in continuing hostilities, and now many perish in hurricanes, wild fires, civil unrest and a worldwide pandemic. Death surrounds us BUT no classmates had died since our 50th high school reunion, that is until Sue. Surely those of us who reached the 50th deserve to live on to a “ripe old age.”

Embracing Surprise…

Death is a constant. In life the unexpected is more the rule than the exception. Why then am I surprised at anything? This questions has been a nagging thought throughout my life. About a year ago I began to read and research SURPRISE. I first found a scholarly publication, Surprise: An Emotion? Contributions to Phenomenology, Volume 97, 2018. The book is totally incomprehensible but still curious, I found a simpler explanation of the research in Surprise: Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected (Luna & Renninger, 2015). I had just begun reading this book when I heard the news of Sue dying in her sleep. Since I am currently in total shock this is a good time to finally comes to terms with surprise and “embrace the unpredictable.”

Hardwired for Surprise…

Turns out we are wired for surprise; it is a reaction to the unexpected. The “surprise sequence” is well documented. First, we FREEZE! According to Luna & Renninger, surprise elicits a spike in our brain waves, which hijacks our cognitive resources, “pulling our attention onto the object of the surprise.” This is involuntary. “When a surprise occurs we forget everything and we plug into the moment.” Next is to FIND a why leading to a bubble of emotions…fear, sadness, anger, joy or any combination. Finding persists as long as we have lingering questions. In some cases “the why?” lasts a life time. Then there’s a SHIFT, when a change should take place in our schema.” (I’ll return to this phase later). Then finally we SHARE. We move quickly to share the news seeking support. Whether a surprise is positive or negative the weight of the surprise is relieved when we share it with others.

Faulty Thinking…

I always thought with age came wisdom. This is why I wonder why I am surprised with any life event. In researching SURPRISE I finally found the answer…my faulty thinking. Turns out that while I thought as I aged my understanding of life would expand, just the opposite has been happening. According to research, as we age, our “schemata get rigid,” especially when we resist or fail to make the SHIFT. In psychology and cognitive science, a schema (pl. schemata) describes a pattern of thought or behavior that organizes categories of information and the relationships among them. Who knew? All the while I am thinking my mind is opening to new experiences as I age, with my failure to embrace surprise, my mind contracts. A friend in good health, with, in my opinion, a lot of life still to live, shouldn’t die “so young.” Shifting my perspectives in my seventies will take a huge effort.

Wake Up Call…

So surprise will continue to happen. As children we embrace surprise, we even seek it out. SURPRISE is life unfolding, doors constantly opening revealing the realities of life. The question now is how do I learn to walk through the doors as they open and embrace what’s inside? Jesus gives us the clue, “become like little children” (Matthew 18:3). To maintain childlike wonder as the doors of our life continue to open and close, we need to again learn child-like wonder. Here are a few ideas from projectboldlife.com.

The Seven Secrets of Maintaining Childlike Wonder:

1. Smile
2. Be Kind
3. Be Curious
4. Listen and Understand
5. Always Hope for the Best
6. Decide to be Fearless
7. Dream Big—Regardless of Your Age

I just love the quote on surprise below by Deborah Wiles (children’s book author).
CLICK HERE to read her biography and a list of her books.

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