Many Great Uncles

Funny Men

Every family has a stand-out great uncle, one who would always brings a smile or a laugh when around. My friend, Lorraine, writes … “I have a great uncle story to share. My great Uncle Frank was my Grandmother’s brother on my mother’s side.  He and his wife Mildred would come to our house for Christmas every year.  They had no children.  I don’t need to send you a picture of him because you probably already have one along with almost every family in America.  He looked just like the guy in the jail on the Monopoly Board.  To this day when anyone in the family plays Monopoly they always say they are going to visit Uncle Frank when they get a Go To Jail Card.”  None of my great uncles were funny looking but some had humorous stories from their life adventures.

Great Uncles, Young & Old

Between my husband and I we count 25 great uncles. The lifespan of these uncles crosses two centuries. Starting with Steve’s great uncle Frank Hellebusch who was born in 1866 to my great uncle Victorio Cassai born in 1903. The younger your grandparents are when you are born, the better chance you have of knowing your greats in adulthood. Why are great uncles important? For me they were a window into the lives of my grandparents. One grandfather died before I was born and the other when I turned 10. The family women were careful to shroud unpleasant experiences. My great uncles, however, would share, the family dirt! Of the three great uncles I knew, Uncle Gusty (1894-1980), my maternal grandmother’s brother, Uncle Mike (1892-1979), my paternal grandfather’s brother, and Zio Fonso (1902-1972), my paternal grandmother’s brother, all were founts of happy memories and some unpleasant ones.

Family Secrets

Approaching my uncles, one-on-one, away from other relatives, I found they had few inhibitions about sharing their adventures and talking about rarely discussed notorious ancestors. Uncle Gusty, who immigrated to America just shy of 12 years old, had vivid memories of his home life in Gromignana, which he happily left behind. He shares his struggles with the pride of an older man who overcame some harrowing events. Upon his arrival Gusty’s examining doctor placed him in detention. Luckily, a day later, he found his way to his father’s workshop in New York City. When his father returned to Gromignana in 1913, Gusty headed to Louisville, KY to work for his uncle at his statuary company. I will post a profile of Gusty, along with Zios Mike and Fonso. In the meantime, CLICK HERE for a full listing of Mattei & Hellebusch great uncles.

The Importance of Knowing

I began my family research at 19 for a college assignment. Initially, outside of knowing my grandparents were Italian by birth and that they had immigrated to America, I knew little else. Accumulating the information left me proud but wondering. During oral interviews only good memories came to mind. When I would probe, the conversation shut down. My grandmother in Louisville even refused an interview, running from the room. Asking my mother about that incident, she told me that her mother rarely reflects on her childhood as there were too many painful memories. A few years later, waiting out of respect until after my grandmother died, I did learn some of her sad memories. I share these memories discreetly. I never write about them in detail, to honor both grandmothers’ wishes that the sadness be forgotten in our new home.

Hard to Forget…

There are two things dangerous about concealing traumatic experiences from family.

The FIRST is that unspoken past memories seep through. Both my grandmothers did discretely share experiences with select family members. They may have actually been unaware that they were suffering traumas. My grandmother in Cincinnati surely had PTSD from her WW1 experiences, as did her younger brother Fonso. My grandmother in Louisville had a difficult childhood dotted with fearful experiences. Luckily, they both had loving relationships with siblings, their children and extended family supporting them through their lives. Still, there is a growing body of evidence that shows trauma can pass from one generation to the next. In the last 20 years the fast-emerging field of epigenetics is gaining traction. The idea that a person’s experience could alter their biology, and, as a result, the behavior of their children and grandchildren. CLICK HERE to read more about current studies.

The SECOND THING about hard-to-forget traumas, no matter how guarded, is that they can pop out unexpectedly, bursting bubbles. According my cousin, Louis, his father, my Uncle Dominic, had an unpleasant experience in his last visit with my great aunt Alice shortly before she died. According to Louis, for some unknown reason, Alice shared something with Dominic (he would not say what) that deeply saddened him. What possesses someone to share a darkness unspoken their entire life? My father rarely discussed his war experiences, yet, in his 90s, he began to share them. I know to never hide the difficult experiences in my life from my children and family, but when and how are always the tricky questions? I am learning to gently share this information in person, and at right the right moments, when they are open to learning about themselves through their ancestors’ experiences.